Yap'n bout the Cap'n

If you had to pick a cereal that personified everything that that parents and nutritionists believe is wrong and evil with the world of cereal today, you could not do better than Cap’n Crunch.  It possesses every element of cereal deviation.  It is almost like it was created just to challenge parents into buying the worst possible thing to start off their child’s day. 

First of all it bears no resemblance to actual cereal grains.  If I asked you what it was made from, corn, wheat, rice, or oats, what would you pick?  You can’t tell.  It is definitely puffed something, but who knows what that is.  Funny that this cereal is made by Quaker (yes that Quaker) which is also known for making the most cerealy cereal, Quaker Oats. 

Secondly, and most important for its status as “bad” kid’s cereal, is its sugar content.  Ah yes, loaded with sugar in every bite.  12 grams per serving for Regular or Crunchberries Cap’n Crunch.  Switch to Peanut Butter and the sugar content drops to 8 grams.  This may not seem so bad by today’s standards, but realize that this was one of the first breakfast cereals to come out with such massive sugar content.  It was released in 1963!  It set the bar so high (or low depending on your viewpoint) that other companies had to follow suit.  By comparison Fruity Pebbles also has 12 grams, a parent-friendly choice of Kix has 2 grams, and the seemingly nutritious Smart Start has 14 grams.  Not one to disappoint, the Cap'n comes with a fuckofalot sugar first thing in the morning. 

Thirdly, it features a easily recognizable mascot, the lovable Cap’n (full name and I am not making this up: Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch), which has been calling children for years with his siren song of crunchy delight.  He is so iconic as the embodiment of all that is wrong with cereal that artist Dick Detzner put the Cap’n in the Judas seat in his reproduction of “The Last Supper” called “The Last Pancake Breakfast”. 

What am I on here, fourthly?  Fourthly, we got to talk about the crunch.  The titular element of the cereal has its advantages and disadvantages.  Crunchiness is obviously a great characteristic for a cereal to have.  The ad-men at Quaker knew this and touted its appeal by featuring the lovable Soggies.  If you don’t remember the Soggies, they were a race of wet milk-like creatures that would prematurely turn cereal soggy.  If you have ever had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats you know how dastardly their effect it.  The only thing that could defeat the Soggies was a bowl of un-soggable Cap’n Crunch with “CRUNCH POWER”. 

On the flip side, it tears up the roof of your mouth.  So, there is a give and take. 

Lastly flavors.  Our good Cap’n is constantly coming up with new and different flavors, and most of these are completely made up.  I hate to be the one to break this to you but there is no such thing as a “Crunch Berry” much less a “Choco Donut”.  To be honest Cap’n Crunch invented more flavor combinations than probably any other cereal in the history of cereal (except maybe Quaker Oatmeal, but at least those flavors have some basis in reality).  All told there have been about 30 iterations of Cap’n Crunch in some form or another.  Here are a few from the Cap’n Crunch Wiki...

§                     Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries A Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries version of the cereal was created in 1967 and also contained spherical pieces in red, intended to represent berries, and a mascot was introduced called the Crunch Berry Beast. In the ’90s, two additional colors of the Crunchberries (blue and purple) were added to the mix and then a third (green) in 2002. All are flavored the same, regardless of color.

§                     Peanut Butter Crunch Peanut Butter Crunch would follow two years later in 1969, with a large elephant named Smedley as its mascot; according to sales charts, this version was the most successful at the time.

§                     Punch Crunch, Vanilly Crunch, Cinnamon Crunch Three more editions were issued in the early ’70s -- Punch Crunch, Vanilly Crunch, and Jean LaFoote’s Cinnamon Crunch -- but were later discontinued. Punch Crunch was fruit-flavored cereal rings, and the mascot was sailor-clad hippopotamus named Harry.

§                     Choco Crunch In 1982, a variant called Choco Crunch, featuring the mascot "Chockle the Blob", was introduced. This version contained the yellow corn squares, plus chocolate flavored pieces similar to Crunch Berries. Recently, the "Choco Crunch" brand was reintroduced, but this time consisting of chocolate flavored corn squares, unlike the original version, which was a mix of yellow corn squares and chocolate puffs.

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                     Christmas Crunch A special edition named Christmas Crunch was first released for the 1988 holiday season and contained Cap’n Crunch with red and green Crunch Berries in a green box with the Cap’n wearing a Santa Claus hat (originally also containing a toy or Christmas tree ornament inside the box).  This variety is now only available currently in certain regions of the United States (and was recently changed to a gold box).

§                     Oops, All Berries First released in 1997 another special edition was “Oops! All Berries” containing nothing but the strawberry flavored Crunch Berries and none of the corn squares.

§                     Galactic Crunch A discontinued version which featured space-related marshmallows.

§                     Choco Doughnuts A discontinued version which featured chocolate flavored doughnut shaped cereal with candy sprinkles

§                     Home Run Crunch A limited edition version of the cereal. It has the flavor of Berry Crunch but the pieces of the cereal are shaped as bats and balls.

§                     Cap'n Crunch's Mystery Volcano Crunch Red and yellow fruit flavored berries with "'free' packet of lava rocks that pop in milk!"

§                     Cap'n Crunch's Oops! Smashed Berries Oops! All Berries cereal with flat berries that the kids smashed

§                     Cap'n Crunch's CoZmic Crunch Star shaped berries with "'free' orange space dust that turns milk green"

FOR MORE BOX ART CLICK HERE

So if you are having a mad sugar cereal craving and also a desire to raw up the roof of your mouth, you cannot do much better than the old standby.  Often imitated, never duplicated, Cap’n Crunch.